“TREATMENT COMPLETION BEFORE SPLITTING “CHILDREN AND TECHNIQUES”

9. October 2008 by admin.

We have all heard the term “splitting or manipulation” when it comes to children and parents. Unfortunately, it is also utilized by adults to meet their needs in the workforce, personal relationships and/or divorce.

This specific article will focus on children and adolescents, who are in treatment programs. Hopefully it will allow parents, grandparents, etc to understand the dynamics of purpose and goal seeking in a manner that helps us all to recognize “splitting” when it occurs, and look at it through a different perspective, which is supportive of children, yet teaches life lessons.

First, lets take a look at what “splitting” really is, and how it can effect a child and possibly his transition to adulthood in a way that can hinder pro-social skills and relationships.

Developmentally, young children utilize “splitting” with parents no matter how devious it may seem to attempt to meet their needs, try out independent control techniques, or receive immediate gratification. With small children in this stage of development, it is a normal technique in their limited repertoire of coping mechanisms. We as parents usually can identify these transparent attempts by our kids to meet their needs. As a matter of fact, to my wife and me, these attempts were very obvious and normally brought laughter to both of us. Maybe this was because we worked with children in treatment for over 30 years, or just because the attempts were expected and apparent.

We found, even at the stage of 3 years to 6 years a great opportunity to teach our children how to meet their needs in a social manner that was acceptable or to understand clearly, both from mom and dad (together) that their wants were not going to be granted and why!

Children in treatment have previously learned, that if they can manipulate their environment or parents, this is a positive learned technique that gets them what they want, (home, materialistic items, etc).

In psychiatric residential treatment, we teach pro-social skills daily, along with those communication skills that will provide children with the techniques they will need to maneuver appropriately through different facets of society, and of life in general.

What parents that have children in treatment experience, is manipulation that is both heart wrenching and self destructive. Being a parent is a never ending emotional roller coaster that we are all constantly learning from. Children in treatment sometimes pull at the heart strings like a parachute ripcord or gently tug on parents’ hearts constantly, until exhaustion sets in, and it’s easier to give in, than to say, “No!”

When a child comes into treatment because he definitely needs help now, parents understand the process on an intellectual level. But, as stated to me by parents, on an emotional level, it is heart wrenching, because parents have to “let go,” so their child will have the opportunity to become more healthy.

Isn’t that what all of us want for our children? Healthy, happy, and hopeful children normally are inspired to achieve great things in life and can inspire others around them to do the same.

The most difficult aspect of treatment for parents, as described by parents is when a child calls home, or goes on a home pass, and expends a tremendous amount of energy attempting to convince everyone
especially the parent that he is cured of all problems, and is ready to be discharged. The guilt these children can apply to parents is relentless. This is what I call the “scales tipping” approach, and it is truly an injustice to parents who miss their children, and, of course, want them home.

When parents hear from a therapist and treatment team that their child is not yet prepared to go home, they have monumental questions to ask themselves. Do I make a decision to bring my child home before he has completed treatment? Or do I listen to a team of professionals that ethically have the best interests of the child in mind?

To me, the above questions put parents into a quandary that is possibly life changing, in a positive or negative way for their child. If parents decide to allow a child to “split,” or manipulate” their way home before they have completed treatment, the outcome can be devastating.

So when your child persists in telling you that if you really loved him, you would bring him home now. Remember, “Treatment completion before splitting.”

Michael F. Cronin, II, ACBSW-D.A.P.A.
Senior Program Director
CBR YouthConnect

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